So, my mom came up to me earlier today with her iPhone in hand, looking to me to guide her in this journey of understanding Facebook. She knocks on my door longingly, saying “Can you help me? I don’t know what to do. How do I get to my thing?” I was immediately annoyed because i knew exactly what was coming. She shows me her Facebook app with a worried look on her face and she apparently couldn’t exactly explain what she wanted. “How do I get to my thing??” she exclaims once more. I can’t even start helping her because I have no idea what she means. I scroll through her phone a little bit, trying to see if something obvious popped up, but she was looking at pictures of puppies. Finally, after about 15 minutes of standing in the hallway arguing, she tells me just wants to look at her own profile to make sure her last post went up. I get to her page in 2 seconds flat and give her the phone and she goes to bed.
After this happened, I asked my friend Eugene if he had the same problem. Sure enough, he tells me this long story about how he tried to tell his mom why she needs a virus protection software on her PC. She just looked at him like he had a boil on his nose and said “Eugene, I don’t know what all that means and I don’t think I want to do it.”
This is only two of the thousands of cases of offspring-dependency that happen in the United States every day.
Facebook, email, youtube, and any other media platform is just a complete and utter f@#king mystery to these people who have had careers, watched humanity unfold for the past 50 years, probably know more about finances than any millennial ever will, but can’t operate their damn cell phone. They’ve had much more time than us to master this crap.
This behavior is also often attributed to the same people that put their blinker on 5 miles before their exit on the interstate. This is what I think their thought process is:
“I’m driving on the road. I better go slow, I can’t really see that well. I’m kinda worried about my old car falling apart too. Wow, it’s really bright out here. I don’t know where sunglasses are, but they’re usually not dark enough and the reflection of the sun on other people’s windshield nearly blind me every time I see it. Good thing I have these glasses that are equivalent to welding goggles. I don’t care how I look anymore, I’m too old for that shit. Let me put my blinker on. Whoops, that was too early. But is it so early that I should turn it off and then turn it back on later? I’ll just leave it on. I can’t use the radio because my hearing aids make everything sound weird. My medicine is making me feel weird. Oh no! I almost ran off the road!! I hope nobody noticed. Ahh, there’s my turn. I hope my son calls me later, I know he’s busy.”